You know the drill. The moment your parents, roommates, coworkers, religious representatives or distant relatives find out you’re not dating someone, it becomes their personal mission in life to set you up with some socially awkward mouth breather of the opposite gender that has “so much in common with you”… like, um, the fact that they are also single.

For many singles, it’s hard to say no to a blind date because they don’t want to offend, appear shallow or eliminate any potential relationship possibilities. Blind dates are, however, rarely successful, and after a few crappy ones, it’s easy to wonder why you ever said yes.

Dearly beloved single friends, grieve no longer! At last, I have invented a solution to the stresses associated with the infamous blind date.

Never again should you respond to the offer of a blind date with a simple yes or no. It’s time to bust out the conditional phraseology, mo fo! Start refusing to go on a blind date unless the person offering to set you up is willing to pay for the date. If this tactic makes you feel guilty about taking money from a friend or family member, you can always offer to reimburse them if the date is a hit… although I’d discourage it.

The point I’m driving at is that the people setting us up need to have something at stake here!

Think about it, the people who are arranging these all-too-often awkwardly unromantic meetups have nothing to lose. If the date stinks, they haven’t wasted their time, money or patience. They can still be friends with both parties involved. Their life continues uninterrupted, and they are allowed to continue facilitating crappy dates for their lonely friends.

You, on the other hand, end up feeling even more discouraged and lonely as you check your Facebook profile in five minute increments with the hope that some new potential mate has sent you a message or commented on your new status.

This should not be happening. You deserve to be set up with an all-star, and if you ask me, it’s time for our friends to pony up. People start thinking twice about setting you up when they have something riding on the outcome. They don’t want to waste money pairing you with some hygienically challenged ignoramus. If they are willing to fork up the cash for the date, it says that they have thought this through more than once.

Blind dates don’t have to be terrible. Do what you can to make sure they’re not, especially if it means you aren’t paying.

Thanks to the UVU Review for publishing the first edition of this article!

BEWARE! Unless you would trust the person setting you up with the safety of your unborn children, or they have several full body photos for you to evaluate, you could be stepping into a very dangerous, very expensive trap. (Right now, 80% of the girls who are reading this are huffing and puffing and thinking I’m the most shallow man to walk the face of the earth. I don’t care. This needs to be said on behalf of single men everywhere.)

Ladies, let’s be honest. You can’t deny that the words “sweet” and “nice” are the words you use to describe your closest of friends* who never, ever seem to get asked out by anyone but the creepy guys… ever.  We know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to smuggle a pity date for your friend right past our instinctive Bad Date Warning System and into our day planner.  And don’t try to cover up that fact by telling us, “She’s really, um… cute,” when we ask if she’s attractive.  We see right through your facade.

As my good friend Missie said, “When friends set you up on blind dates, you get to see what they really think of you.”

Now, before you start hating on me for being a shallow chauvinist who only dates girls for their looks, and hates your friends, stop. Rewind. Now rethink things a little bit.  Why do you really want to set me up with your friend? Is it because you think we’re a good match? Is it because you think we might really be attracted to each other? Or is it just to make your friend feel better by going out with a “nice guy” (which is probably how you described me to her when you came up with this brilliant little blind date idea)?

There is one simple test that I have proven to be effective when attempting to determine whether or not a setup is legitimate.  If the person lining you up is willing to pay for the date on the condition that if the date is successful (you want to take her out again), you will reimburse them, go for it.  This demonstrates sincerity and confidence in the liner-upper, and significantly low risk for those being set up. And that’s a win-win situation if you ask me. If I turn you down after you reject the above proposition for a blind date, don’t be mad. I’m not personally attacking your friend… I promise. I’m merely protecting my own self-interests.

* I wanted to put a disclaimer at the end of this post to make sure that you know that not all blind dates are bad, and not all nice girls are ugly.  I’ve had fun blind dates, and I’ve had not-so-fun blind dates with girls that were perfectly normal… they just lacked  chemistry. So, please don’t take offense and assume that every blind date is a pity date. I know they’re not. (But sometimes they are… and when they are, that’s bad.)