Unsolicited Dating Advice

So, you’ve gone out a few times. It’s obvious that you’re interested in each other. People are starting to ask the typical questions:

• “So… are you guys, like, together?”
• “Are you exclusive?”
• “Have you made it official?”

What do you do?

Well, if you’re like most people, you start to freak out.

You worry.

You wonder, “What if I’m not the only one they’re seeing? What if I’m getting played? What if they don’t feel as strongly as I do? Am I ready for this kind of commitment? Are they ready for this kind of commitment? Am I setting myself up for disaster and heartbreak?”

Stop it!

Seriously. Stop it. Now.

Don’t do that worry thing. It’s so lame, and it does you no good.

Take a deep breath… there you go…

So, if you you find yourself in this crappy limbo phase between “more-than-friends” and a committed relationship, here are some things I’ve found helpful to calm the nerves and set yourself up for some hard-core relationship success.

Lower Your Expectations

The following might seem like a really callous way to describe dating, but it makes my point:

Dating is like car shopping. You have to test drive the car you want to buy before you buy it (and no, I’m not referring to sex right now).

I mean, if the Mazda 3 got all huffy and upset, and refused to accelerate past 35 mph until you gave it an explanation describing why you drove the Volkswagon GTI a few days after you drove the Mazda… well… you’d pick the GTI.

(And yes, this goes for both guys and girls.)

Sometimes dating works. Sometimes it doesn’t.  Keep your expectations for yourself high, and your expectations for the other person low. You’ll soon realize that everyone is just trying to make the best decision for themselves just like you’re trying to make the best decisions for yourself.

This more realistic approach also makes it much easier to be honest with one another. (Just thought I’d throw that in there for good measure.)

Stop Telling Everyone About Your Dating Life

Have you ever heard of Metcalfe’s Law? (Probably not.)

The basic principle is that the more people involved in a network (or in this case, a relationship) the more complex it gets, and the more people talk about it.

Drama starts when your mom, your roommates, your cousins, and everyone following you on Facebook has direct insight into your dating life. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. And everyone is wrong.

What works for them will very likely not work for you. It will just cause problems.

If you want a simple, non-dramatic relationship, keep it between 2 people… you and the person you’re dating. If you practice privacy in your private life, you’ll be much better off.

Imagine that.

(I mean, it’s none of their business who you’re kissing on the mouth anyway, is it?)

Never Say “We Need To Talk”

Stop expecting commitment. There is no official moment that signifies commitment. That’s the scary thing about a relationship… it requires you to trust another individual.

Three dates does not equal a commitment.

A kiss on the mouth does not always equal commitment… at least not long term.

Instead of worrying about being committed, worry more about enjoying being with that other person.  As you learn to enjoy each other, you’ll notice that the commitment naturally develops (the way it should), and before you know it, you’ll be enjoying each other so much that you’ll naturally develop into an exclusive couple… or you won’t.

And yes, I know that sucks. But, that’s life… and when it works, it’s beautiful. Way more beautiful than the dreaded “We need to talk” moments.

In Conclusion

Cool your jets. Have fun. Enjoy each other.

When it’s meant to happen, it will happen. Just keep being real, being patient, and being you. The world has a way of ironing out the wrinkles.

I talk with many singles (old and young) that vent to me about not having a significant other in their lives, or why no one asks them out etc.  One of the biggest reasons people can’t commit is because they have “Bigger and Better Syndrome.”

What is BBS?  It’s simple. You meet a girl and sparks fly! (Now, please, if you are a woman, interchange the word “girl” for “guy.” But for the sake of simplicity…I will speak from the guy’s point of view. You understand, right?) Anyway, you start dating and everything is going great. You are out on the town and you see a woman that at that time seems either more attractive/funnier/smarter or some other characteristic that your current girlfriend may not posses as much…or at least you forgot they do because you aren’t readily remembering their qualities because you are with them every day.

The sad and devastating syndrome has begun. You think to yourself. My girl is amazing at a, b and c, but this other person seems to be more amazing at C. I should be able to get someone that is amazing at C like this girl. Little acknowledging that your partner is already amazing at A and B, and the person you are comparing them probably either sucks at A or B, but may only be having and “on” night and possessing exceptional C skills, but on the marrow…might not have them as much. AH! This is a mess already.

You compare what seems to be someone’s best qualities to your girlfriends not as great qualities, and leave them for the search of something bigger or better. The sad note is when or if you find someone else; you will do the same exact thing. This nasty plague will ruin your dating career and leave you an old lonely person sulking in your sorrows while looking to your past wishing you never left your amazing girlfriend.

I am in no way saying you should settle. I mean, I battle with the thought of being too picky myself. What I do urge, however, is that when you are with someone great, and you look at others and wish those qualities in your significant other, you will be unhappy and will never find anyone that you think is “good enough.”  The reality is…you are probably the one that isn’t good enough. Date someone and look for their qualities, build them up! BUT DO NOT COMPARE THEM TO EVERY BREATHING THING THAT PASSES BY. It is not healthy!

If you expect to find the PERFECT person with every amazing characteristic, it won’t happen. You will eventually find someone perfect for you…but they won’t be perfect, and until you realize this and stop comparing…you won’t ever be satisfied. But let me divulge a little secret. When you truly love someone, their faults become bearable if not cute qualities you find enjoyable.

Here is the underlying message. We are all unique. We all posses certain qualities and some faults. It is now your job to find the more important qualities you want in a spouse, and their faults you will be willing to forgive them of.  But don’t find someone amazing and then stupidly whisk them away at their first sign of weakness. For those interested and whom actually made it to this point in the post, I wrote a poem that relates to this. To read it, click here.

Often times when coming out of a relationship it’s can be a little difficult to get your awesome dating skills back up to snuff.  It is not uncommon for friends, family, religious leaders, roommates and many times complete strangers to pick up on your hopelessness and offer to set you up on a blind date with “the nicest girl” with the promise that  “you’re going to get along and have so much fun together” because “she’s so sweet and nice!”

BEWARE! Unless you would trust the person setting you up with the safety of your unborn children, or they have several full body photos for you to evaluate, you could be stepping into a very dangerous, very expensive trap. (Right now, 80% of the girls who are reading this are huffing and puffing and thinking I’m the most shallow man to walk the face of the earth. I don’t care. This needs to be said on behalf of single men everywhere.)

Ladies, let’s be honest. You can’t deny that the words “sweet” and “nice” are the words you use to describe your closest of friends* who never, ever seem to get asked out by anyone but the creepy guys… ever.  We know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to smuggle a pity date for your friend right past our instinctive Bad Date Warning System and into our day planner.  And don’t try to cover up that fact by telling us, “She’s really, um… cute,” when we ask if she’s attractive.  We see right through your facade.

As my good friend Missie said, “When friends set you up on blind dates, you get to see what they really think of you.”

Now, before you start hating on me for being a shallow chauvinist who only dates girls for their looks, and hates your friends, stop. Rewind. Now rethink things a little bit.  Why do you really want to set me up with your friend? Is it because you think we’re a good match? Is it because you think we might really be attracted to each other? Or is it just to make your friend feel better by going out with a “nice guy” (which is probably how you described me to her when you came up with this brilliant little blind date idea)?

There is one simple test that I have proven to be effective when attempting to determine whether or not a setup is legitimate.  If the person lining you up is willing to pay for the date on the condition that if the date is successful (you want to take her out again), you will reimburse them, go for it.  This demonstrates sincerity and confidence in the liner-upper, and significantly low risk for those being set up. And that’s a win-win situation if you ask me. If I turn you down after you reject the above proposition for a blind date, don’t be mad. I’m not personally attacking your friend… I promise. I’m merely protecting my own self-interests.

* I wanted to put a disclaimer at the end of this post to make sure that you know that not all blind dates are bad, and not all nice girls are ugly.  I’ve had fun blind dates, and I’ve had not-so-fun blind dates with girls that were perfectly normal… they just lacked  chemistry. So, please don’t take offense and assume that every blind date is a pity date. I know they’re not. (But sometimes they are… and when they are, that’s bad.)

Truth really is funnier than lies. (Click to enlarge.)

I’d love to hear your Deal Breakers! Submit them here.

Deal Breaker? I’m not certain…

(click image to enlarge)

Submit your deal breakers here.

Part of dating is knowing what you want.

All too often, we just take whatever comes along. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to be open minded… but if you’re too open minded it’s easy to get exasperated, jaded and completely burned out.

Make a list of things that are important to you in a partner and pursue people with those characteristics. You’ll find a lot more purpose in your dating life, and a lot less desperation. I promise.

Sometimes I wonder, where were the mothers of the lessons of social awareness were supposed to be taught? How does this happen?

Once again, leave 3 of the deal breakers you saw in this video in the comment section.

Ok, despite the absurdity of this video, I support the message. If you’re a guy who’s only interested in a chick so you can get in her pants, you’re a tool. I dare you to treat women with respect.

Be a man!

It only took me like 2 weeks of writing this blog to get fired up enough to write up a rant on what is essentially my ultimate pet peeve.

Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than entitlement. It’s a cancer… an emotional cancer that eats away at the greatest thing the world has to offer.

Love.

Just thinking about it makes me want to punch a kitten! (I told you it was a pet peeve.)

The demon of entitlement rears its ugly head in relationships in many different ways…

Absence of Gratitude

Our culture has created a process for propagating relationships. This basics of the system are as follows:

• Boy asks girl on date.
• Boy takes girl on date.
• Repeat

This process continues until one party becomes disinterested or the happy couple decides to get married.

Since this cultural pattern is so common, it’s easy for women to become accustomed to all of the attention and free food from douche bag guys who just want to get in their pants. This is where the skank-hoe originated.  After enough male attention, some women forget their manners and develop an attitude of entitlement. They are drafted as crew members on the Skank-hoe Boat. They only gift their attention to the men they deem worthy… normally those with either big trucks, big muscles or big bank accounts.

Listen up ladies! It doesn’t matter how sexy* a girl is, when she develops the mentality that you (a dude) owe her a drink, or dinner, or anything for that matter solely because you are the man and she is the woman, thus requiring you to treat her according to a certain set of rules… her rules… well… game over.

Relationships are give and take… or rather, they are give and give. Too often the givers get walked on, and the takers keep wondering why they end up alone.

Ladies, you’d be surprised how many guys would just melt in your hands if you simply said, “You always take care of me and pay for dinner. Tonight, it’s on me.”

If you pay close enough attention, it gets easy to recognize a giver from a taker, even after 1 or 2 dates.

My recommendation? Decide to be a giver. Don’t jump on the Skank-hoe boat. Be grateful and selfless in your relationships. Appreciate the things your significant other does for you…even if it’s routine. Put effort into love. Stop looking at it as how it can benefit you. In fact, do the opposite.

*I am not a huge fan of the word ‘sexy.’ I think it’s superficial and kind of demeaning… so normally when I use it, it’s in reference to someone who is only attractive until they open their mouth.

This post was going to summarize my feelings on this issue. I realized that it very quickly grew too long to be a singular post. Entitlement is now a multi-part series on this blog. More to come. Subscribe here.

Normally when you ask someone what qualities they are looking for in a significant other, they create a fairly predictable list. They include the typical attributes like a sense of humor, attractiveness, intelligence, or being a die-hard fan of the Muppets. (Maybe that’s just me…)

Rarely, however, do you hear someone say, “Whoever I date has to be completely and utterly obsessed with me. I want them to be my #1 fan!”

Think about it, we’ve all been through it or at least watched it happen. You go out on a first date. There’s some real chemistry. You make out.

Suddenly you’re getting dozens of texts a day… nay, an hour! Your voicemail is full to capacity with messages from your new love interest wondering why you haven’t responded to every text, expressing concern about your relationship. They want to have plans every night, and be at your side every available minute.

Suddenly that ‘relationship’ you’d been yearning for for so long doesn’t seem so great anymore.

People don’t want to date a fan, they want to date someone they consider to be their equal.

Obsession isn’t love.

Have you ever tried to carry on a conversation with someone who refuses to have their own opinion? They agree with you on everything you say from politics and religion to celebrity gossip and even what to eat for dinner…. because, heaven forbid you disagree on something!

It’s exhausting.

Yet all too often, we fall into that trap. We fail express our true ideals and beliefs to the dreamy eyes across the table for fear of ruining a date. Then, 3 days… or sometimes 3 years down the road, we wonder why that happened to the love. The truth is, you’ve duped yourself into believing a lie. It was never there.

If the thing you like most about your significant other is that they like you, you might want to think twice about the relationship. Being loved by someone for exactly who you are is far more satisfying than just being in love with being in love.

So, when things start going well after 1 (or a few) dates, remember, be yourself and don’t obsess… because nobody wants to fall in love with a fan. (Except for the incredibly vain are self absorbed, and you’re not one of those, right?)