Unsolicited Dating Advice

So, you’ve gone out a few times. It’s obvious that you’re interested in each other. People are starting to ask the typical questions:

• “So… are you guys, like, together?”
• “Are you exclusive?”
• “Have you made it official?”

What do you do?

Well, if you’re like most people, you start to freak out.

You worry.

You wonder, “What if I’m not the only one they’re seeing? What if I’m getting played? What if they don’t feel as strongly as I do? Am I ready for this kind of commitment? Are they ready for this kind of commitment? Am I setting myself up for disaster and heartbreak?”

Stop it!

Seriously. Stop it. Now.

Don’t do that worry thing. It’s so lame, and it does you no good.

Take a deep breath… there you go…

So, if you you find yourself in this crappy limbo phase between “more-than-friends” and a committed relationship, here are some things I’ve found helpful to calm the nerves and set yourself up for some hard-core relationship success.

Lower Your Expectations

The following might seem like a really callous way to describe dating, but it makes my point:

Dating is like car shopping. You have to test drive the car you want to buy before you buy it (and no, I’m not referring to sex right now).

I mean, if the Mazda 3 got all huffy and upset, and refused to accelerate past 35 mph until you gave it an explanation describing why you drove the Volkswagon GTI a few days after you drove the Mazda… well… you’d pick the GTI.

(And yes, this goes for both guys and girls.)

Sometimes dating works. Sometimes it doesn’t.  Keep your expectations for yourself high, and your expectations for the other person low. You’ll soon realize that everyone is just trying to make the best decision for themselves just like you’re trying to make the best decisions for yourself.

This more realistic approach also makes it much easier to be honest with one another. (Just thought I’d throw that in there for good measure.)

Stop Telling Everyone About Your Dating Life

Have you ever heard of Metcalfe’s Law? (Probably not.)

The basic principle is that the more people involved in a network (or in this case, a relationship) the more complex it gets, and the more people talk about it.

Drama starts when your mom, your roommates, your cousins, and everyone following you on Facebook has direct insight into your dating life. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. And everyone is wrong.

What works for them will very likely not work for you. It will just cause problems.

If you want a simple, non-dramatic relationship, keep it between 2 people… you and the person you’re dating. If you practice privacy in your private life, you’ll be much better off.

Imagine that.

(I mean, it’s none of their business who you’re kissing on the mouth anyway, is it?)

Never Say “We Need To Talk”

Stop expecting commitment. There is no official moment that signifies commitment. That’s the scary thing about a relationship… it requires you to trust another individual.

Three dates does not equal a commitment.

A kiss on the mouth does not always equal commitment… at least not long term.

Instead of worrying about being committed, worry more about enjoying being with that other person.  As you learn to enjoy each other, you’ll notice that the commitment naturally develops (the way it should), and before you know it, you’ll be enjoying each other so much that you’ll naturally develop into an exclusive couple… or you won’t.

And yes, I know that sucks. But, that’s life… and when it works, it’s beautiful. Way more beautiful than the dreaded “We need to talk” moments.

In Conclusion

Cool your jets. Have fun. Enjoy each other.

When it’s meant to happen, it will happen. Just keep being real, being patient, and being you. The world has a way of ironing out the wrinkles.

Have you ever wondered if you have to settle?

Have you ever had a friend tell you, “You could do better?”

Have you noticed that beautiful people tend to date beautiful people, and that less beautiful tend to date less beautiful people?

Ever wondered why?

Watch this video. It will give you a new insight into how we decide who to date and marry, and why. It really is amazing…

Dan Ariely: Adaptive Responses from PopTech on Vimeo.

Sometimes I think society assumes that since you’re single, you’re pathetic and desperate. And that, dear readers, is how the blind date got invented.

You know the drill. The moment your parents, roommates, coworkers, religious representatives or distant relatives find out you’re not dating someone, it becomes their personal mission in life to set you up with some socially awkward mouth breather of the opposite gender that has “so much in common with you”… like, um, the fact that they are also single.

For many singles, it’s hard to say no to a blind date because they don’t want to offend, appear shallow or eliminate any potential relationship possibilities. Blind dates are, however, rarely successful, and after a few crappy ones, it’s easy to wonder why you ever said yes.

Dearly beloved single friends, grieve no longer! At last, I have invented a solution to the stresses associated with the infamous blind date.

Never again should you respond to the offer of a blind date with a simple yes or no. It’s time to bust out the conditional phraseology, mo fo! Start refusing to go on a blind date unless the person offering to set you up is willing to pay for the date. If this tactic makes you feel guilty about taking money from a friend or family member, you can always offer to reimburse them if the date is a hit… although I’d discourage it.

The point I’m driving at is that the people setting us up need to have something at stake here!

Think about it, the people who are arranging these all-too-often awkwardly unromantic meetups have nothing to lose. If the date stinks, they haven’t wasted their time, money or patience. They can still be friends with both parties involved. Their life continues uninterrupted, and they are allowed to continue facilitating crappy dates for their lonely friends.

You, on the other hand, end up feeling even more discouraged and lonely as you check your Facebook profile in five minute increments with the hope that some new potential mate has sent you a message or commented on your new status.

This should not be happening. You deserve to be set up with an all-star, and if you ask me, it’s time for our friends to pony up. People start thinking twice about setting you up when they have something riding on the outcome. They don’t want to waste money pairing you with some hygienically challenged ignoramus. If they are willing to fork up the cash for the date, it says that they have thought this through more than once.

Blind dates don’t have to be terrible. Do what you can to make sure they’re not, especially if it means you aren’t paying.

Thanks to the UVU Review for publishing the first edition of this article!

Welcome to Unsolicited Dating Advice!

Here, you will find all of the dating advice you always wanted but never asked for.

The upcoming posts will provide (very candidly) sensible, real life, in-your-face dating advice.  You will laugh. You might cry. And, if you’re smart, you’ll take the advice herein and you’ll fall in love, get married and make little babies that look like you, only smaller, stinkier and more funny looking… which is saying something.

Happy dating!