Unsolicited Dating Advice

My roommate was giving some sound advice to another roommate of ours as I laid in bed eavesdropping on their conversation. (Don’t hate, you know you have done it before.) It was a worthy eavesdrop, for I heard a few things that, well, made a lot of sense!

Without his consent, for I doubt he will ever read this, and my cunning expertise in changing his name to Bob, I will recount his words.

Bob said he has been dating a girl halfheartedly for the past couple years. Since the girl was never quite fully over her ex, and she could never fully commit either. This unhealthy back and forth commitment, underlined with genuine concern for the other led them to confused hearts and an even more confusing relationship.

Facebook coined this term for us: “It’s complicated.” And I would confidently place my bets that most of us know exactly what they are going through. You know…being in a relationship where you or the other person isn’t giving it their all for whatever reason.

Bob went on to say how he has changed his ways and is moving forward 110% in pursuit of this woman…and things are going rather well. Let’s hope they stay that way!

MORAL OF THE STORY: If we all squander in halfhearted relationships we won’t ever progress. If you are too scared or selfish to give someone a real chance at love, then you shouldn’t carry on or drag out the relationship. It isn’t fair to either of you.

What girl doesn’t want to get swept off her feet? What guy doesn’t want the girl he sweeps up to be loving and caring and into him and no other? We all want a real, meaningful and amazing relationship with someone, don’t we? I submit that we do! That’s why you are reading this! So when you find someone that has potential…give them a chance! I real chance! Not an “I will put him on the back burner just in case something better comes around” chance.

“The more you invest, the bigger the reward!” Bob said. And I have also said many times, that there are so many incredible things we can to do with our partners, including sweet date ideas, but we hold them off until we know that the person is worth it. I now say…no more holding back.

I am not saying it needs to be boyfriend/girlfriend right off the bat, or that you need to DTR (hmm, DTR, I think I will write about that in the future) after 3 dates. Just relax, enjoy the company and actually give “courting” a chance. I think this could very well be a quicker road to love…I mean; it seems to be working out for Bob…finally.

Parents often criticize their children for not dating the way they did in the good ole’ days. “It was never this hard for us!”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that line. “It’s all this texting and Facebooking that’s ruining your dating life.”

Ok, I’ll give them some credit. Technology has really increased the amount of communication we have with one another while probably significantly decreasing the quality of said communication. It is now, however, the sole contributor to failing relationships.  One must take into consideration that our parents were often times shopping more for comparability than love.

If you don’t believe me, read on…

Images courtesy of Me Against Them.

Sometimes I think society assumes that since you’re single, you’re pathetic and desperate. And that, dear readers, is how the blind date got invented.

You know the drill. The moment your parents, roommates, coworkers, religious representatives or distant relatives find out you’re not dating someone, it becomes their personal mission in life to set you up with some socially awkward mouth breather of the opposite gender that has “so much in common with you”… like, um, the fact that they are also single.

For many singles, it’s hard to say no to a blind date because they don’t want to offend, appear shallow or eliminate any potential relationship possibilities. Blind dates are, however, rarely successful, and after a few crappy ones, it’s easy to wonder why you ever said yes.

Dearly beloved single friends, grieve no longer! At last, I have invented a solution to the stresses associated with the infamous blind date.

Never again should you respond to the offer of a blind date with a simple yes or no. It’s time to bust out the conditional phraseology, mo fo! Start refusing to go on a blind date unless the person offering to set you up is willing to pay for the date. If this tactic makes you feel guilty about taking money from a friend or family member, you can always offer to reimburse them if the date is a hit… although I’d discourage it.

The point I’m driving at is that the people setting us up need to have something at stake here!

Think about it, the people who are arranging these all-too-often awkwardly unromantic meetups have nothing to lose. If the date stinks, they haven’t wasted their time, money or patience. They can still be friends with both parties involved. Their life continues uninterrupted, and they are allowed to continue facilitating crappy dates for their lonely friends.

You, on the other hand, end up feeling even more discouraged and lonely as you check your Facebook profile in five minute increments with the hope that some new potential mate has sent you a message or commented on your new status.

This should not be happening. You deserve to be set up with an all-star, and if you ask me, it’s time for our friends to pony up. People start thinking twice about setting you up when they have something riding on the outcome. They don’t want to waste money pairing you with some hygienically challenged ignoramus. If they are willing to fork up the cash for the date, it says that they have thought this through more than once.

Blind dates don’t have to be terrible. Do what you can to make sure they’re not, especially if it means you aren’t paying.

Thanks to the UVU Review for publishing the first edition of this article!

My friend Julia just wrote an amazing song. It’s all about that dating disease that never seems to go away… you know, Just Friends-itis.

Just when you think things are going your way, and you’re breaching the friend gap, you hear the familiar phrase, “We’re just friends…”

It sucks… and the suckiness is perfectly expressed in the following song which you can and should listen to.

It’s especially interesting to me to hear how a girl feels about the just friends issue. It’s interesting to realize that these creatures otherwise known as women have feelings and emotions…, click and have a listen… I promise you’ll enjoy it.

Just Friends – Julia Sanders

If you like the tune and want to put it up on your site, please leave a comment on this post and link back to Julia’s blog.

“Dating is like the game Yahtzee. You roll the dice and have a 1 in 6 chance of getting someone attractive, a 1 in 6 chance of getting someone funny, a 1 in 6 chance of getting someone smart, a 1 in 6 chance of getting someone hard-working, a 1 in 6 chance of getting someone who really cares, and a 1 in 6 chance of getting someone who loves you back…and then you have a 1 in 46656 chance of getting someone with all of them.”

Thanks to my little bro for finding the best dating quote I’ve ever seen.

I talk with many singles (old and young) that vent to me about not having a significant other in their lives, or why no one asks them out etc.  One of the biggest reasons people can’t commit is because they have “Bigger and Better Syndrome.”

What is BBS?  It’s simple. You meet a girl and sparks fly! (Now, please, if you are a woman, interchange the word “girl” for “guy.” But for the sake of simplicity…I will speak from the guy’s point of view. You understand, right?) Anyway, you start dating and everything is going great. You are out on the town and you see a woman that at that time seems either more attractive/funnier/smarter or some other characteristic that your current girlfriend may not posses as much…or at least you forgot they do because you aren’t readily remembering their qualities because you are with them every day.

The sad and devastating syndrome has begun. You think to yourself. My girl is amazing at a, b and c, but this other person seems to be more amazing at C. I should be able to get someone that is amazing at C like this girl. Little acknowledging that your partner is already amazing at A and B, and the person you are comparing them probably either sucks at A or B, but may only be having and “on” night and possessing exceptional C skills, but on the marrow…might not have them as much. AH! This is a mess already.

You compare what seems to be someone’s best qualities to your girlfriends not as great qualities, and leave them for the search of something bigger or better. The sad note is when or if you find someone else; you will do the same exact thing. This nasty plague will ruin your dating career and leave you an old lonely person sulking in your sorrows while looking to your past wishing you never left your amazing girlfriend.

I am in no way saying you should settle. I mean, I battle with the thought of being too picky myself. What I do urge, however, is that when you are with someone great, and you look at others and wish those qualities in your significant other, you will be unhappy and will never find anyone that you think is “good enough.”  The reality is…you are probably the one that isn’t good enough. Date someone and look for their qualities, build them up! BUT DO NOT COMPARE THEM TO EVERY BREATHING THING THAT PASSES BY. It is not healthy!

If you expect to find the PERFECT person with every amazing characteristic, it won’t happen. You will eventually find someone perfect for you…but they won’t be perfect, and until you realize this and stop comparing…you won’t ever be satisfied. But let me divulge a little secret. When you truly love someone, their faults become bearable if not cute qualities you find enjoyable.

Here is the underlying message. We are all unique. We all posses certain qualities and some faults. It is now your job to find the more important qualities you want in a spouse, and their faults you will be willing to forgive them of.  But don’t find someone amazing and then stupidly whisk them away at their first sign of weakness. For those interested and whom actually made it to this point in the post, I wrote a poem that relates to this. To read it, click here.

I love the Doghouse Diaries. Click here to see the original.

Doghouse Diaries - Guilt

In light of some recent advice, I choose to reveal some thoughts I have on a very important issue in dating…THE KISS.

Now, let’s get this straight, we all love kissing! If you don’t, you are missing out on life and need not continue reading more of this post.

Yet for the rest of us…let’s get back to business.

I will not indulge you readers in kissing secrets or sexy tips in how to kiss…at least, not yet . I will, however, speak of two all-too-frequent relationship killers called “NCMO” (non-committal make out) and kissing on the first date.

These two are closely related and may often be fun; however, let’s discuss the hidden, underlying reasoning for these “occurrences.”  SELFISHNESS!

Case Study #1) The “NCMO” as it is known (or call it what you will) is when both parties convene only to make out and then have no ties to that person after their passion and lustful thoughts have been satisfied. They return as friends the next day with absolutely “no commitment.”

I honestly feel like I shouldn’t have to divulge much into this subject. We all know a NCMO shows no respect for the other person. You are using this person as a personal satisfaction tool only to succumb to your “Id personality trend“. It doesn’t matter if you both agree on the matter and proceed to move forward. This only means that both parties lack in the ability to constrain one’s lustful and inappropriate desires and it reveals weakness.

If you think about it…do either of you really want that as a personality trait of a significant other, or will someone actually find that attractive in you? NOPE!

*BREAK* (this is getting intense, however, I judge not, for I fear we have all given into such things. But the moral of the story is this: If there is any respect for the other, this would never happen)

Case Study #2) The first date kiss. You just had the best first date of your life! You are at the door step and you give each other a little peck. THAT’S GREAT! But that is where is should end! *Man, I feel like a parent saying this stuff.* Why do I say this? It is because rarely have I ever seen or heard of a relationship that lasted where the couple made out the first date.

But let’s get a little more personal… If I ever kiss a girl too soon in the relationship, i.e. the first date, I, most of the time, lose interest very quickly. Case and point.  I also think that if you really cared about the person you wouldn’t want to rush it…in hope that it won’t ruin anything good you are feeling about how this new relationship is turning out. If you make out on the first date, it can most of the time be linked back to today’s word: selfishness.

Am I wrong here people? I know that there will be a few instances that it works out. But in my experience and from stories from many around me…kissing too quickly can ruin anything good you had.

If you are debating whether what I am saying is true or not, just think to yourself. “WHY do you want to kiss this person?” If it is lust…it is wrong. Lust will destroy any and every relationship. You want some good unsolicited dating advice: Treat your partner with respect. If you care more for the happiness of your partner than your own, then it’s love, or at least sincere feelings towards the other. But, if you care more about yourself and “getting a piece,” then it’s lust. Selfishness and lust are unruly and wrong. And I for sure want none of that in a relationship of mine.

Have you noticed that the events in life that get the biggest hype are often the ones that provide us with the biggest let down?

For example, there’s often a lot of excitement generated around birthdays and holidays (or movie premiers). We plan out the perfect day in our heads. It includes everything from getting a raise at work (or even better, a day off from work) to meaningful  gifts from close friends and family to a phone call from your favorite celebrity crush. We imagine ourselves slow dancing late into the night in the middle of the living room floor with that special someone wrapped in our arms. The evening ends with that perfect kiss… you know, the one that makes your stomach do the Macarena.

When the day is over, however, you tend to look back with the painful realization that nothing really panned out as you planned it in your head. What was supposed to be so wonderful about this day again?

Your expectations have set you up perfectly for disappointment.

The same principle applies for dating.

I’ve found that the more pumped up I get for a date – especially a date with someone I’m interested in – the more likely I am to come home with a deep sense of disappointment.  This has always bugged me, and I don’t think it’s my fault… or your fault.

Hollywood has ruined romance for us. We see relationships unfold on the big screen with a whirlwind of passion and emotions. In less than an hour and a half there is a serendipitous meeting of boy and girl, a playful courtship, a dramatic breakup followed up with an over-the-top-risk-it-all confession of true and absolute love. The boy pulls the girl in for a kiss. Her foot pops. They live happily ever after… in a freakin’ hour and a half.

For some reason, sometimes we expect the same amount of drama, tension, chemistry and outcome in an hour and a half date. I don’t think we should get rid of expectations. But I DO think we should be realistic about them.

Keep your high standards for the people you date, but stop setting such high expectations for the events you experience with them. Just enjoy yourself. Make each moment count.