Unsolicited Dating Advice

My roommate was giving some sound advice to another roommate of ours as I laid in bed eavesdropping on their conversation. (Don’t hate, you know you have done it before.) It was a worthy eavesdrop, for I heard a few things that, well, made a lot of sense!

Without his consent, for I doubt he will ever read this, and my cunning expertise in changing his name to Bob, I will recount his words.

Bob said he has been dating a girl halfheartedly for the past couple years. Since the girl was never quite fully over her ex, and she could never fully commit either. This unhealthy back and forth commitment, underlined with genuine concern for the other led them to confused hearts and an even more confusing relationship.

Facebook coined this term for us: “It’s complicated.” And I would confidently place my bets that most of us know exactly what they are going through. You know…being in a relationship where you or the other person isn’t giving it their all for whatever reason.

Bob went on to say how he has changed his ways and is moving forward 110% in pursuit of this woman…and things are going rather well. Let’s hope they stay that way!

MORAL OF THE STORY: If we all squander in halfhearted relationships we won’t ever progress. If you are too scared or selfish to give someone a real chance at love, then you shouldn’t carry on or drag out the relationship. It isn’t fair to either of you.

What girl doesn’t want to get swept off her feet? What guy doesn’t want the girl he sweeps up to be loving and caring and into him and no other? We all want a real, meaningful and amazing relationship with someone, don’t we? I submit that we do! That’s why you are reading this! So when you find someone that has potential…give them a chance! I real chance! Not an “I will put him on the back burner just in case something better comes around” chance.

“The more you invest, the bigger the reward!” Bob said. And I have also said many times, that there are so many incredible things we can to do with our partners, including sweet date ideas, but we hold them off until we know that the person is worth it. I now say…no more holding back.

I am not saying it needs to be boyfriend/girlfriend right off the bat, or that you need to DTR (hmm, DTR, I think I will write about that in the future) after 3 dates. Just relax, enjoy the company and actually give “courting” a chance. I think this could very well be a quicker road to love…I mean; it seems to be working out for Bob…finally.

I talk with many singles (old and young) that vent to me about not having a significant other in their lives, or why no one asks them out etc.  One of the biggest reasons people can’t commit is because they have “Bigger and Better Syndrome.”

What is BBS?  It’s simple. You meet a girl and sparks fly! (Now, please, if you are a woman, interchange the word “girl” for “guy.” But for the sake of simplicity…I will speak from the guy’s point of view. You understand, right?) Anyway, you start dating and everything is going great. You are out on the town and you see a woman that at that time seems either more attractive/funnier/smarter or some other characteristic that your current girlfriend may not posses as much…or at least you forgot they do because you aren’t readily remembering their qualities because you are with them every day.

The sad and devastating syndrome has begun. You think to yourself. My girl is amazing at a, b and c, but this other person seems to be more amazing at C. I should be able to get someone that is amazing at C like this girl. Little acknowledging that your partner is already amazing at A and B, and the person you are comparing them probably either sucks at A or B, but may only be having and “on” night and possessing exceptional C skills, but on the marrow…might not have them as much. AH! This is a mess already.

You compare what seems to be someone’s best qualities to your girlfriends not as great qualities, and leave them for the search of something bigger or better. The sad note is when or if you find someone else; you will do the same exact thing. This nasty plague will ruin your dating career and leave you an old lonely person sulking in your sorrows while looking to your past wishing you never left your amazing girlfriend.

I am in no way saying you should settle. I mean, I battle with the thought of being too picky myself. What I do urge, however, is that when you are with someone great, and you look at others and wish those qualities in your significant other, you will be unhappy and will never find anyone that you think is “good enough.”  The reality is…you are probably the one that isn’t good enough. Date someone and look for their qualities, build them up! BUT DO NOT COMPARE THEM TO EVERY BREATHING THING THAT PASSES BY. It is not healthy!

If you expect to find the PERFECT person with every amazing characteristic, it won’t happen. You will eventually find someone perfect for you…but they won’t be perfect, and until you realize this and stop comparing…you won’t ever be satisfied. But let me divulge a little secret. When you truly love someone, their faults become bearable if not cute qualities you find enjoyable.

Here is the underlying message. We are all unique. We all posses certain qualities and some faults. It is now your job to find the more important qualities you want in a spouse, and their faults you will be willing to forgive them of.  But don’t find someone amazing and then stupidly whisk them away at their first sign of weakness. For those interested and whom actually made it to this point in the post, I wrote a poem that relates to this. To read it, click here.

In light of some recent advice, I choose to reveal some thoughts I have on a very important issue in dating…THE KISS.

Now, let’s get this straight, we all love kissing! If you don’t, you are missing out on life and need not continue reading more of this post.

Yet for the rest of us…let’s get back to business.

I will not indulge you readers in kissing secrets or sexy tips in how to kiss…at least, not yet . I will, however, speak of two all-too-frequent relationship killers called “NCMO” (non-committal make out) and kissing on the first date.

These two are closely related and may often be fun; however, let’s discuss the hidden, underlying reasoning for these “occurrences.”  SELFISHNESS!

Case Study #1) The “NCMO” as it is known (or call it what you will) is when both parties convene only to make out and then have no ties to that person after their passion and lustful thoughts have been satisfied. They return as friends the next day with absolutely “no commitment.”

I honestly feel like I shouldn’t have to divulge much into this subject. We all know a NCMO shows no respect for the other person. You are using this person as a personal satisfaction tool only to succumb to your “Id personality trend“. It doesn’t matter if you both agree on the matter and proceed to move forward. This only means that both parties lack in the ability to constrain one’s lustful and inappropriate desires and it reveals weakness.

If you think about it…do either of you really want that as a personality trait of a significant other, or will someone actually find that attractive in you? NOPE!

*BREAK* (this is getting intense, however, I judge not, for I fear we have all given into such things. But the moral of the story is this: If there is any respect for the other, this would never happen)

Case Study #2) The first date kiss. You just had the best first date of your life! You are at the door step and you give each other a little peck. THAT’S GREAT! But that is where is should end! *Man, I feel like a parent saying this stuff.* Why do I say this? It is because rarely have I ever seen or heard of a relationship that lasted where the couple made out the first date.

But let’s get a little more personal… If I ever kiss a girl too soon in the relationship, i.e. the first date, I, most of the time, lose interest very quickly. Case and point.  I also think that if you really cared about the person you wouldn’t want to rush it…in hope that it won’t ruin anything good you are feeling about how this new relationship is turning out. If you make out on the first date, it can most of the time be linked back to today’s word: selfishness.

Am I wrong here people? I know that there will be a few instances that it works out. But in my experience and from stories from many around me…kissing too quickly can ruin anything good you had.

If you are debating whether what I am saying is true or not, just think to yourself. “WHY do you want to kiss this person?” If it is lust…it is wrong. Lust will destroy any and every relationship. You want some good unsolicited dating advice: Treat your partner with respect. If you care more for the happiness of your partner than your own, then it’s love, or at least sincere feelings towards the other. But, if you care more about yourself and “getting a piece,” then it’s lust. Selfishness and lust are unruly and wrong. And I for sure want none of that in a relationship of mine.

Don’t tell anybody, but I have secret to finding love! Yup, you read it right…L.O.V.E! The following are 3 key things I find, that if followed, you’ll find happiness in your life, and improve your odds at finding that special someone!

Ready for this?

1. STOP MOPING AROUND FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!
   Yeah, lesson number one is that no one will find a depressed person sulking in their sorrows attractive! They won’t! And the half pint of ice cream or 5 buck hot and ready pizza mixed with a chick flick/war movie won’t help find someone either.  I don’t mean to sound insincere here, we all have hard times, broken hearts and sad days, which is fine, really, it is. Trust me, I have been there before, and I know we all need time to heal, recover and deal with those things. So be sure to give yourself that important time. But once you are ready for a new man/woman in your life…rid yourself from these nasty emotions and unattractive bad habits.
2. DON’T OVER ANALYZE EVERY PERSON YOU MEET!
   You can’t expect to know if every person you go out with is dating or even marriage material. Give it time. Always thinking about finding someone will only hinder the process. Honestly, how many times have you heard someone say they found their true love when they weren’t looking? Also, the best qualities take time to figure out! Which is daunting to think about, I know, especially since you just spent the last few years  of your life with an EX who is already engaged to someone else and you think “I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT ALL OVER AGAIN!?!?” Yet, it needs to be done, and with taking that time you will especially find the amazing quality of being able to love that person wholeheartedly, and if and when they share those same feelings…ahhh…sweet, sweet love! For true love is when you care more for the other person that you do yourself. But before I go on, let me explain my last point.
3. GET OFF YOUR BUTT
   Seriously, get out of your house/condo/apartment, find things you love to do…and do them! Let me explain why this is important. The equation is simple.
   A) You involve yourself in activities that make you happy, which then leads to…
   B) being surrounded by other people that love those activities, and/or, great date ideas to introduce your new love interest too. Which leads us to…
   C) you and your new partner are involved in activities you both love and find enjoyment in, or are able to support each other in. Conversations bloom and your love grows…it will grow so much that it will eventually do exactly what I finished my second point with, that your partners happiness becomes more important to you than your own.

Think about it, it’s simple! If your partners happiness is what brings you the utmost true happiness, and if you dedicate your life to making that other person happy, and your partner feels and does exactly the same, HOW COULD EITHER OF YOU EVER NOT BE HAPPY!? Wrap your mind around that one. But, then again, that might be my hopeless romantic self wishing or hoping that’s how love is…since you know…I am still single. But never mind that, this is still sound advice!

So, get over yourself, be patient and get out there and do the things you love! And before you know it, that special someone will be coming around the mountain soon enough. Trust me!

Role Reversals

Ladies, you have done everything right! You said yes to us taking you out! You agreed to our lame plans and took plenty of time to get ready for our date (I think…or else, you just always look that amazing). So far so good. A quaint hello hug/handshake at the door and we are on our way!

Now, before I go on… know this, I speak on behalf of all the guys that at least try to treat a woman with respect and act like gentlemen on dates. If you are out with a man that doesn’t do this, leave them now and refer them to this site for some help! But the rest of us are actually trying and want to impress you. We are putting on our best selves and in most cases, pretty nervous.

Commence the small talk.

“You look nice this evening.”

“What are you studying at school?”

“Where are you from?”

And so on…

And then we get to the car, open your door and let you in!

We start walking around to the driver side with happy thoughts and thinking how good you look!

Then it turns for the worse. We turn the corner and BAM! The driver’s side door is swinging open!

…

…

…

What the heck was that!?

Did that just happen? Did my date literally and awkwardly stretch her body across both seats and push my door open? Not to mention the door has most likely swung back shut as I compose my awestruck self.

Yes, Mike, yes she did. This might take some time to recover from. I think to myself “just say thanks and get in and hopefully that wont ever happen again!”

WRONG! We leave dinner and the occurrence happens again!

Ok, intervention time…yes, ladies, that was sweet of you. You made an effort to be cute and open our door from the inside…and thanks! But my advice is simple.

DON’T!!!

We don’t need two gentlemen on this date.

We asked you out because you are cute, smart, funny and many other reasons…but chivalry was not one of them. I wouldn’t go so far as saying its super annoying or a deal breaker, but it is awkward…NO WHERE close to a brownie point! However, you may receive a “sweet spirit/personality” point for that kindly gesture.

So, this one is actually quite simple for us to solve.  Get in the car and wait for us to get in…then use your charm and sweet self and treat us with a good conversation and fun time. There are many NORMAL ways to show us how amazing you are, and with time we will hopefully get to find those out. But please, don’t be a gentlewoman, be a gentle woman! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

Much Love!

Mike Hanks is a resident stud and all around nice guy. He’s single, and he doesn’t want you to open his door. You can follow him on the Twitters here. Watch for more of Mike’s posts in the future here on UDA, the home of all the dating advice you never asked for.